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What we really need now is more panic

What we really need now is more panic

As a representative of the local media, it is our duty to insist that you pretty much freak out completely.

January 19, 2011 5:45 by

As a member of the media, Kipp has a certain responsibility towards both the people and events we cover, and the readers we cherish. That responsibility involves blowing absolutely every story out of all proportion, provoking mass panic and moral outrage, and advocating knee-jerk reactions at every turn.

For instance, before the editor got hold of them today’s lead analyses were headlined: “UAE behemoths battle demons of debt hell,” and “Your employer is controlling your mind.” The editor argued these were misleading and unnecessarily provoking. We said of course they were, and for some reason he changed them.

Anyway, editor aside we’re happy to say we’re not the only media outlet trying to spice things up a little bit. Gulf News was doing its duty when it ran a story headlined “Panic as Pakistan quake cause tremors in UAE.” The paper reports that residents of the UAE were “horrified.” And no wonder: as Gulf News explains, “Windows, doors, and household items rattled in most of the UAE major cities.” If you’re reading this in the UAE, you must have survived – but probably only just.

Khaleej Times can always be counted on to show us the way in times in crisis. In response to the genuinely awful abuse of a four year old girl by a school bus driver – an apparently isolated incident – the paper has embarked on a whole campaign under the title: “Let’s make our children safe.” Presumably, after this one incident children are somehow less safe than they were last week. The campaign has apparently provoked GEMS to put a female nanny on every one of its buses, and all buses managed by School Transport Services will be upgraded to include CCTV. Good news, but is it enough make sure that “no child is made prey to ghouls,” as the paper calls them?

We say, why stop there? What is needed in response to the horrid acts of a couple of evil men is an extreme reaction. We need to take these stories and run with them, so what Kipp is suggesting right now is that we must assume from this point onward that every man who has ever been on a bus is a serious threat to our children. To combat that threat perhaps we should pre-emptively execute them all? Some would say that’s reactionary and ill-thought out, but we say it makes sense – and great reading material.

What this country needs is more panic, more outrage, more anger, more fear… and we need it right now. All those expats who moved here precisely because it is actually an incredibly safe place by international standards, well they’re going to have to learn: If you’re not living in a climate of fear, you’re not living.

Now Kipp isn’t saying it’s time to murder our neighbours and feast off their corpses in a crazy cannibalistic appeasement ritual – but we’re pretty sure if one more bad thing happens it will be. So make sure you’ve got a meat cleaver handy.

Alternatively, everyone could calm down, act rationally, and maybe the media could stop chasing the fast buck and behave responsibly. Or are we just being silly?

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  1. Pratyaksh on January 21, 2011 2:05 pm

    Excellent article and so true. I wonder when that day will come when reports from Kipp will be read before the awful and misleading news from the greats you mention in your article!
    Guess it’ll be a long wait!
    Keep up the good work.

  2. Andrew on January 21, 2011 3:44 pm

    I was in Al Ain at the time that the tremors were supposed to have “hit” the city. Truth be told I didn’t notice anything around that time of day, although perhaps that wasn’t my stomach rumbling.

    Didn’t even here about the whole thing until the next day. Total non-event.


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