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iPhone5: The calm before the (silly) storm

Eva Fernandes enjoys the last minutes of a world without the iPhone 5.

September 12, 2012 12:52 by

I like technology.

Give me a sleek shiny smooth screen and within a minute my fingers will be all over it: skidding, tripping, pinching, dragging and tapping. My face lit by the pulsating glow emanating from my palm, will undoubtedly split in a sheepish toothy grin as I discover just how ‘smart’ the smart device is. I am by no means an ‘early adopter’ but developments in the tech-scene fascinate me greatly.


What doesn’t fascinate me is the senseless and almost religious fervor displayed by so called ‘tech-fans.’ Apple has been most successful in developing the most annoying breed of followers-and you can be sure the unveiling of the iPhone 5 is on their mind right now.


If you aren’t sure, sign into Twitter. As I foolishly found out the hard way today, iPhone5 is trending with no less than two tweets every second. Afraid of a ‘Mac-turbating’-induced seizure, I shut down Tweetdeck eager to enjoy the few moments of calm before the storm.


In a matter of hours, Tim Cook is going to take to the stage at the same Californian Theater used for the launch of the iPad3, and preach to the most fervent of followers. Will the phone be able to cook you dinner, do a special tap-dance or validate your existence, is anybody’s guess. But here in the UAE, I am quite certain of a few unavoidable and silly knock-on effects of this announcement:


Reserving the phone at 10 times the original: if Apple’s little shiny gems aren’t expensive enough already, when the iPhone 5 is launched, you can be sure an unnamed UAE-based business man will spend close to Dh60,000 on the black market procuring the phone from some shady dealer in Deira. Of course, it will take some time before he would be able to get a connection, use some of the apps, but hey at least he spent ten times as much as he should have because now you know just how rich and stupid he is.


Classifieds will be inundated with ads for iPhone 4Ss all of a sudden: If Dubizzle and aren’t already saturated with ‘special’ offers from Apple-addicts (who will only love a Mac product as long as it is relevant), you can be certain it will be. And if you are thus inclined, it might be worth a look. You will be guaranteed to get a good deal, there is only one thing on the crazy Apple fan’s mind now…


Fans will be moaning about new features they MUST have which don’t work in the Emirates: as they have to wait the customary two to six weeks it will take for the precious iPhone 5, you can count on hearing silly desperate whimpers of desire for the latest feature they MUST have but probably will be useless in the Emirates for a bit. Remember how ridiculous iPhone fans in the Emirates sounded when they wished for the iPhone 3G at a time when local telecoms provided nothing better than 2G?


Most expensive iPhone 5 will be created: it shouldn’t be long before some ‘cunning entrepreneur’ embarks on creating the most expensive (read: tacky) iPhone plated in platinum and gold embellished with diamonds and rubies.


Sigh. I could go on for days, but I fear I don’t have much time until the circus of brand loyalty is to begin. Until then, here’s to an iPhone5 free world.

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